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Dear Miranda: You’re never too old to play dress up

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In response to http://dearkyra.wordpress.com/2013/07/31/regency-rage/

Dear Miranda,

Cravats are probably in my top three when it comes to men’s neckwear. I was actually thinking about that recently whilst wandering the Victorian and Albert Museum. They had dress up clothes there. I was able to try on a hoop skirt while my friend tried (unsuccessfully) to tie a cravat.

This is the set of instructions they had at the museum. It's not too bad until you hit step five.

This is the set of instructions they had at the museum. It’s not too bad until you hit step five.

I would include a picture of me with panniers on, but I don’t have one. Mostly because once I had the skirt on I couldn’t actually reach my camera in my pocket. But I do have a picture with this crinoline, also found in the V&A museum.

It's not entirely unpleasant, assuming you don't have to walk through any narrow passages or sit down.

It’s not entirely unpleasant, assuming you don’t have to walk through any narrow passages or sit down.

It turns out that it’s just a thing for museums here to have dress up options available. Like the various hats you can try on at the Museum of London:

This old-timey fire fighter hat.

This old-timey fire fighter hat.

Or this serf thing

Or this serf thing

cap

Or this not-so-attractive cap thing.

We were also invited to try on Tudor colors when we went to Hampton Court.

tudor

Even Samuel Johnson’s house had options for dress up.

Don't mind Matthew. He just has his coat on backwards and is showing of his aviators. And he may or may not be wearing a woman's wig.

Don’t mind Matthew. He just has his coat on backwards and is showing off his aviators. And he may or may not be wearing a woman’s wig.

But of course my very favorite dress up was at Jane Austen’s house.

I personally don't see why we discontinued wearing bonnets.

I personally don’t see why we discontinued wearing bonnets.

austen2So… yeah. I guess dress up is just a thing here. I knew I liked England. I mean, dressing up is pretty much the best. We should dress up when I get home. We could wear pirate stuff, because I know we have pirate stuff.

Cheers,

Kyra

P.S. They still have this thing called blood pudding. As in, I totally could have ordered it for dinner last night at the pub we went to.

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Top 10 They Might Be Giants Lyrics

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So I’m sharing a car with my sister Miranda and while I was away for college she removed all the CDs in the car that I liked and replaced them with CDs I didn’t want to listen to. For some reason, the only CD she had left in the car that I particularly wanted to listen to was Collin Raye’s greatest hits CD. I happen to love that CD and can sing every word to every song. But after listening to it ten times through in about two days I decided to track down my old CDs.

I didn’t find them. Well, not for awhile anyway. In the meantime, though, I did rediscover our copy of They Might Be Giant’s Flood. I happened to be listening to it when I picked up my younger brother from a friend’s house. Today I was incredibly proud when he asked if he could change the CD in our car so we could “listen to that whistling in the dark song.”

flood

Uh… anyway. Here’s my top 10 countdown of They Might Be Giants lyrics. But just from the album Flood. Because doing a compilation from all their albums would be too much work.

10. “I will never apologize for when I was eight and I made my younger brother have to be my personal slave.” Dead

9. “A man came up to me and said ‘I’d like to change your mind. By hitting you with a rock’ he said ‘though I am not unkind.” Whistling in the Dark

8.”Is he a dot or is he a speck? When he’s under water does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows. Particle  man.” Particle Man

7. “Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul not Constantinople. So if you’ve a date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Istanbul.” Istanbul

6. “Minimum wage! Hiya!” Minimum Wage (can a whip crack count as a lyric?)

5. “Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.” Istanbul

4. “But I was young and foolish then. I feel old and foolish now.” Lucky Ball and Chain

3. “I’ll never see myself in the mirror with my eyes closed.” Dead

2. “There’s a picture opposite me of my primitive ancestry which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free. Though I respect that a lot, I’d be fired if that were my job. After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts.” Birdhouse in Your Soul

1. “Sure as you can’t steer a train, you can’t change your fate.” Lucky Ball and Chain

Also: did you know that the song Bird House in Your Soul is actually about a nightlight?

The Pickle Kick (or the kickle pick)

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Last week Miranda was eating all the pickles in the house. My dad asked why my mom kept buying so many pickles, and I told him that Miranda was on a pickle kick. So of course my dad decided to make a sport out of it. Here is video footage of our very first ever pickle kick. Pickle kick is actually quite hard to say, though. Mostly people kept calling it a kickle pick.

THE RULES

  1. The pickle must land between the fence posts
  2. Pickles are to be kicked barefoot
  3. Each person gets two fault kicks, but as soon as there is a valid pickle kick, the person is done with their turn
  4. If the pickle breaks, the section which went the farthest is counted.

And after you are done your feet end up smelling like pickles. There were some protests from my family about putting this online. Something about how everyone will know how weird we are. Oh well. Here’s the video footage.

And the dog was really mad when we took away his pickle.

The Pink Joke

This post could alternatively be titled “My Sister is Gullible.”

So for those of you who don’t know the pink joke, or at least don’t know it by that name, the pink joke is basically a test of gullibility. The joke teller essentially makes up a story on the spot and just keeps telling it until the joke listener realizes there’s no punchline. Recently, my sister and I discovered a typed up version of part of the pink joke the one time I tried to tell it to her. I present it to you now, because it’s pretty funny for not being a real joke. I (as I tend to do) insert some parenthetical comments. For the most part, though, this is how the conversation went down:

Once there was this guy named Mark and he worked at this gas station. Mark loved burritos, but wouldn’t eat them ever because he was afraid of gaining weight. One day his mean ex-girlfriend Lola came into the gas station and started waving a burrito in Mark’s face and taunting him. Finally Mark was so fed up that he snatched the burrito out of Lola’s hand. Lola got mad and called her dad who was a police officer and said that Mark had robbed her. The police officer started chasing Mark, but then realized that all he had taken was a burrito. Mark didn’t realize that the police officer had stopped chasing him, though, and kept running until he reached Mexico.

Once he was in Mexico a mob saw him, but since he had a burrito they decided to give him a sombrero instead of being hostile to him. Then he ended up on a boat (ok, so I told this story awhile ago. I don’t remember WHY he got on the boat.). While in the boat he dropped his burrito overboard. When he didn’t have his burrito anymore, the mob became hostile again and through Mark off the boat. In the process Mark cut himself on a sharp piece of metal protruding from the side of the ship. Because of the cut, he was eaten by a shark when he fell into the Gulf of Mexico.

As it turned out the shark’s name was Leonard. Once he had finished devouring Mark he felt bad about eating the poor guy. So he went to a wise octopus and asked what he could do. The octopus sent him on a quest to scalp an elf, but first he had to visit some sea gnomes to make him a supershark suit so that he could walk on land. (My sister is now reminding me that apparently I had to come up with a reason why elves and gnomes are different. What I ended up telling her was that elves lived on land and gnomes lived underwater. makes sense…) So after acquiring his supersuit, Leonard set off, but was thrown off by a storm and ended up in China. While there he met a llama named Ferdinand and they decided to walk together to Ireland to find some elves. And then they were chased by a Chinese mob. And then they ran into the Great Wall of China. And then Leonard accidentally broke a hole in the Wall. And then a bunch of mythical Chinese women who had been holding up the Wall since it was built came out. And the women got into a fight with the Chinese mob.

And then in route to Ireland they got sidetracked in Italy where they encountered a crazy monkey named Uga Borba who liked to bite of people’s toes. And he has this whole backstory about his dad named Gordon (when I got to this part of the story, I had to stop for like a full 20 seconds to try and think of a name for the dad, under the pretense that I was trying to “remember” it. And the best I could come up with was Gordon…) Basically Gordon had a habit of biting of people’s thumbs, but one day decided not to. And oh my goodness I am getting tired of telling this story. Just as I was getting tired of telling Miranda the pink joke back when I initially conceived the story. And no, she never figured out there was no punchline. After like two hours of me talking, I eventually just gave in and told her the catch.

I say she failed the gullibility test.

So this is basically what I imagined Borba looks like.

100 Things to do with Spatulas

So for those of you who were wondering this blog has no theme. I find it delightfully sporadic. Today’s post is about spatulas (in case you couldn’t understand that from the title). It all began one lovely Christmas morning when My sister Miranda bet me that I could not come up with 100 non-food related things to do with a spatula. (Side note: I don’t remember the context leading up to this bet. I will say my family is… different. And also that this conversation, by comparison to many others we’ve had, is not actually that strange.) As you might guess, I won the bet. It didn’t even take me a full day. The list goes as follows.

*1. You could use a spatula for Spatula fights (a.k.a sparring)

2. You could use a spatula as a fly swatter

3. You could use a spatula as a mask

*4. You could use a spatula for a catapult

*5. You could use a spatula for splatting what ever needed to be splatted

6. If you were talented, you could juggle spatulas

7. You could use a spatula for delicatly pushing. For example, if there was a spider on the table and you wished for it to be  removed, but you were an animal lover and you didn’t want to kill it, then you could use a spatula to delicately push it off of the table.

8. You could use it for mashing something that wasn’t food. And yes, mashing is different than splatting.

9. You could use spatulas to make a modern art sculpture

*10. You could use a spatula as a dry wall scraper

11. You could use a spatula as a baton

*12. You could use a spatula to scratch your back

*13. You could use a spatula to reach for something that was under the couch

14. You could use a spatula as jewlery

*15. You could give a spatula as a gift

16. You could make a spatula bomb

*17. You could use a spatula for poking

*18. You could use a spatula for scooping

19. You could use a spatula for Squishing

20. You could use a spatula for playing pick up sticks

21. You could use a spatula for playing spoons

22. You could use a spatula as a bat

*23. You could use two spatulas as tongs

*24. You could use a spatula for stirring

*25. You could use a spatula as a sandbox toy

26. You could use a spatula as a bath tub toy

*27. You could use a spatula for touching the cieling

*28. You could use a spatula as an item in a scavenger hunt

29. You could make glasses out of spatulas

*30. You could use a spatula to scrape snow off of your windsheild

31. You could use a spatula as a sifter

32. You could use a spatula to clean horse hooves

33. You could make a picture frame out of spatulas

34. You could use a spatula as a fan

35. You could use a spatula as an antannea

36. You could use two spatulas as fake antlers

37. You could make an alien costume out of spatulas

38. If you crash on a deserted island and all you have is a ton of spatulas, you could use the spatulas to write out SOS (This is also  useful if you are being held captive in a spatula factory)

39. You could use a spatula to play fetch

40. You could use a spatula to keep the sun out of your eyes

41. You could use wooden spatulas to fuel a fire

42. You could burn a plastic spatula to annoy your enemies with the acrid scent

43. You could use a spatula as a Shovel

44. You could use a spatula to make a sun dial

45. You could build a fence out of spatulas

*46. You could use a spatula as a play dough cutting tool

47. You could snap the top off of a spatula and use it as a hair brush

48. You could write answers on a spatula and use it to cheat on a test

49. You could take a spatula to a group of savages who didn’t know what it was. There’s always the possibility that they will worship it and you will become their supreme ruler of awesomeness.

50. You could use a spatula as a paddle

*51. If you were bored, you could try to balance a spatula on your face

52. You could use a spatula as a tent stake

53. You could use a spatula to prop something up

54. You could use a spatula to support a plant

55. You could use a spatula to spank a naughty child

56. You could use a spatula as a Christmas tree topper

57. You could sell a spatula

58. You could use a spatula as a fake microphone, as people do with hairbrushes

*59. If it were metallic, you could use a spatula as a mirror

60. You could use a spatula as a teething toy

61. You could use a metallic spatula to blind your enemies

*62. You could use a spatula to deflect objects that were being thrown at you

63. You could use a spatula as a ping pong paddle substitute

64. You could use a spatula to hit a drum

*65. You could use a spatula to throw at people

66. You could use a spatula to hit a gong

67. If you had really good balance, you could use a spatula as a sled

68. You could use a spatula as a lever

*69. You could use a spatula as a splint

70. You could tape a spatula to a sign and use it to protest.

71. You could steal a spatula

72. You could use a spatula as a hammer

73. You could use a spatula as a pole when playing horse shoe

74. You could put a spatula in a time capsule

75. You could spell out Will You Marry Me with spatulas and use it as a wedding proposal

76. You could use spatulas to fork a yard

77. You could Trade a spatula

78. You could donate a spatula

79. You could use a spatula as a bird perch

80. You could use a spatula as a missile

81. You could use two spatulas to clap at a concert

82. You could make a spatula your team mascot

*83. You could buy a spatula

84. You could dance with a spatula

85. You could Kiss a spatula

86. You could make a tic tac toe board out of spatulas

87. You could stop a fan that was running out of control with a spatula

88. You could paint a spatula

89. You could give a spatula as a prize

90. You could pass a spatula in a relay race

91. You could use a spatula as a snow man nose

92. You could use it as a stylus for a really big touch screen

93. You could trip somebody with a spatula

94. You could use it to make a mobile for a baby

*95. You could use a spatula as a spare

96. You could use a spatula as a doll

97. You could make a weather vane out of spatulas

98. You could play a xylophone with a spatula

99. You could bury a spatula

100. You could use spatulas for model airplane propelers.

Ok, some of these are fairly ridiculous. I mean, they only had to be approved by Miranda to make the list. For what it’s worth it is a list of things you COULD do with a spatula. Not things you WOULD do with a spatula. I was surprised by how many of them were some what legitimate. I’ve put an asterisk next to those I know have actually been done.

After this conversation my sister Paige made me a toy duck (I love ducks) out of a spatula for my birthday:

His name is Count Quackula

I recommend you all go buy some spatulas. They are very useful, as you can see.