You know what they say. If you love something, turn it into a weird mashup with something else you love. Or something like that.

 

 

Frozen Vegetable Mishaps

I got a call this week from the grocery store saying that I’d purchased some vegetables that were being recalled. Unfortunately, I’d already eaten the vegetables when I received the call. So if I die of listeria, I guess you’ll all know why. It’s just dumb because chocolate would never have done something like that to me.

Murder Mystery

I got to go to a 30s themed murder mystery party. Which is great because I always like to feel justified in the time I waste watching vintage hair tutorials. Which ended up being useless anyway because I wore a hat. At any rate, a murder mystery can be a great way to meet new people and never be able to remember their real name ever again.

I reread some old FaceBook statuses

I have this reputation for being funny on FaceBook. But as it turns out, that was not always the case. This week I delved deep into my timeline and started reading some old statuses. Which lead me to wonder how I had any friends at all in high school.

Some 2008 Statuses:

• Kyra needs more yarn!!!!
• Kyra Nelson really hates math! And Chad!
• Kyra Nelson needs to read up on John Locke’s social contract
• Kyra Nelson is just kinda discontent with life at the moment.
• Kyra Nelson thinks loyalties are important even if they strangle you to death
• Kyra Nelson was humiliated by her math teacher yesterday
• Kyra Nelson just discovered something…so now what?
• Kyra Nelson just finished another hat
• Kyra Nelson needs to reconsider
  
• Kyra Nelson just can’t ignore the gorilla standing in the corner the way everybody else seems to be able to.

Not sure if that last one was literal or if I meant elephant or was just super angsty that day or…?

I did come across one update in which I expressed a desire for windshield wipers that moved in time with your music and that is actually a pretty good idea.

Taylor Swift lyrics of the week: “And I know it’s long gone and there was nothing else I could do. And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.”

That’s me. I’m on top of Beacon Hill, and I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt as alive as I did the moment that picture was taken. I was high on life during the following weeks as I toured the British Isles. I felt like, finally, my life was turning out exactly the way I thought it should.

Then I returned to the real world. I realized that I had a lot of things I had been running from and suddenly they were catching up to me.

I snapped. The year that followed was without a doubt the worst year of my life. I was dealing with depression that I should have gotten professional help for but didn’t. I was having a hard time connecting with people. I pushed them away. I burned bridges.

A lot of people think depression is sadness, but for me it felt more like apathy. Towards everything and everyone. Being sad would have actually been a relief because at the time I was incapable of feeling anything at all. That’s a terrifying feeling. To look around and realize you don’t care. You can’t care. And if you can’t care, then what’s the point of anything?

I don’t remember when or how things started to get better, but I mostly attribute it to the angels, seen and unseen, in my life. Little by little, a miracle took place. I started healing.

The healing process is a strange thing. It’s bumpy and uneven, and I’m not sure I’m totally done healing from the things I experienced that year. Some days I still feel like I’m trying to rearrange the broken pieces of who I was before into the image of the girl I want to be now.

My life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would. I fully expected to meet Prince Charming as an undergrad at BYU and become a stay-at-home mother to five children who’s names all began with the letter e. I didn’t plan to get a PhD. I wasn’t even considering getting my MA.

Somedays I just look at my life and I’m really confused because I hadn’t anticipated any of this. I get terrible imposter syndrome and I always think there must be people more qualified to do the things I’m doing. Almost on a daily basis I find myself puzzling over how I ended up where I am.

That doesn’t mean for one second I’m sorry to be here.

When you’re going through a hard time, people tell you it will get better. And it will get better. And then it will get worse again. And most of the time things will somehow be getting better and worse simultaneously.

I’ve finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. Now I’m figuring out who I want to be. It’s a work in progress. But I’m feeling optimistic.