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Monthly Archives: March 2017

Slowing Down, Being Vulnerable

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This morning I woke up to about a foot of snow. As I was trying to dig my car out, I started feeling nauseated and dizzy. I kept shoveling.

When I got to the last patch of snow I needed to clear away, stopped to catch my breath. I started wondering what I was doing. My head hurt so badly that I felt I might pass out if I kept going.

I put down the shovel, went back inside, called in sick, and went back to bed. This is kind of a big deal for me. I don’t think I’ve missed class or work on account of feeling unwell in over five years.

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I’m not good at relaxing. Like really not good at it. When I try to relax, I usually end up thinking of more productive ways I could spend my time which usually results in me feeling more stressed than before. It’s sort of a problem.

If you read my New Years post, you might remember that my resolution for 2017 was to try and slow down a little. How is that going? Eh. Not great. I’m making a little progress. Sometimes I leave ungraded work at my office so I can’t work on it after hours.

Part of solving a problem is identifying the cause of it, and I had a recent breakthrough about why I have such a hard time slowing down.

A few years ago I was in a toxic relationship with somebody who made me feel inadequate every time I talked to him. After I got out of that relationship, I began focusing a lot on improving my sense of self worth. I made good progress by learning not to judge myself on my appearance or how many boys did (or didn’t) like me. The downside was that I started judging myself by my accomplishments.

When I finally realized just how toxic that relationship was, I ran. I ran as far as I could. I haven’t been able to stop running since. At the time, that was what I needed. Overcoming that meant getting as far away from it as possible.

But the next stage of moving on is learning how to stop running. I’m trying to learn not to base my self worth on a list of achievements. I’m trying to remember that my value is not a factor of what I’ve done, but inherent in my status as a human being and a Daughter of God.

It’s a work in progress. But I’m getting there. I was supposed to have a 13 hour work day today. Instead I worked for about five. The world still seems to be spinning.

The world is spinning pretty quickly, in fact. And sometimes it’s good to stop trying to keep up with it and just watch it turn.