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Category Archives: The Bad

Body Shaming Hurts Everyone

When I was in middle school, a boy told me to my face that I was ugly. I don’t bring this up to make you feel bad for me. I’ve been over it for a long time. But the comments did bother me for a really long time. I spent most of middle school wanting to be invisible and thinking that if I guy were to like me, it would be despite how I look.

Fortunately, that was the only time anybody has blatantly told me I was ugly. However, I have often experienced the feelings that accompanied the comment. In many cases, these feelings have been the result of comments that were actually directed at other women.

Sometimes when somebody makes a comment about another woman being fat or not being very pretty, my self esteem suffers.You may not know it, but I think that girl looks like me. I may think she looks better than me. And you just said she didn’t look good. By extension, I don’t look good.

It may not be sound logic, but that’s the conclusion I come to. And I’m not alone. Other girls have shared experiences with me where they felt bad about themselves because of something somebody said about another girl. People who body shame aren’t just hurting the people they’re talking about.

In fact, body shamers also hurt themselves when they make comments about others. As a general rule, people don’t like being around those who frequently make negative remarks.

If a guy makes a negative comment about another girl’s appearance, I’m turned off. Like really turned off. Instantly. I’m not intimidated when a guy talks about other girls who he thinks are pretty. It just makes me feel like he is able to see the beauty in people. And that is refreshing.

Furthermore, I don’t think body shaming really encourages people to adapt healthier lifestyles. If it did, I don’t think there would be overweight people, because they certainly are shamed plenty. As Taylor Swift puts it, “You have pointed out my flaws again, as if I don’t already see them.” Believe, you aren’t going to point out something about me I haven’t already noticed and wanted to change.

Actually, the points in my life where I’ve had the healthiest lifestyle have been when I loved myself. And I mean that as the self respect helped me live a healthier lifestyle. Why? Because I wanted to take care of myself rather than hide my body.

Fun fact: It takes confidence to go to the gym. Why? Because it’s really hard not to be intimidated by the girl on the bike next to you who is going twice as fast with a steeper incline all while annihilating your Fruit Ninja high score. It takes a little bit of self love to be comfortable with that.

So in short, don’t body shame. Just don’t.

I mean, really. Why you gotta be so mean?

My 3-year-old cousin knows this song word for word. It’s cute. Just saying.

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Ishtar: The Ultimate Crazy Ex-girlfriend

I’m sure all of you out there are avid fans of ancient Mesopotamian mythology and that you probably reread Epic of Gilgamesh on a regular basis. But in case you aren’t, this blog post will serve as a nice little introduction to one of the members of ancient Babylonian pantheon. She’s the goddess of love, fertility, and sex. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Ishtar.

ishtar

I don’t actually have an explanation for her feet…

One of the most popular myths about Ishtar is the story of the descent into the underworld. According to the perverted rules of the underworld, Ishtar could enter but she had to shed one article of clothing at each of the seven gates.

Of course, by the time she made it to the bottom, she was completely nude. This enraged her, which makes sense since she is the goddess of love and normally portrayed naked. Ishtar was so enraged that she threw a fit and got herself locked in the lowest layer of the underworld as punishment.

This proves a little problematic since all love on earth ceases as a result of her imprisonment. Since that’s clearly not going to fly, Ishtar is released on the condition that somebody else stay in her place. The unfortunate task falls on her lover Tammuz, who takes Ishtar’s place in the underworld.

Ishtar shows up again in The Epic of Gilgamesh in which she tries to kindle a flame with Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh was like, “Heck no! All your other boyfriends ended up dead! Like that bird guy whose wing you broke, or that shepherd you turned into a wolf.”

None too happy with Gilgamesh’s refusal, Ishtar asks her father if she can borrow the Bull of Heaven to send after Gilgamesh. Her father told her she was overreacting, so she threatened to tear open the gates of the underworld and cause mass havoc by allowing the souls of the dead to mingle with the living. And that’s how Ishtar was given access to the Bull of Heaven.

The Bull of Heaven goes rampaging amok (can you rampage amok, or can you only run amok?) through the city of Uruk. But never fear because Gilgamesh and his bestfriend/bromantic partner Enkidu are total studs and they manage to kill the Bull of Heaven.

Ishtar is peeved (as per her usual) and stands on the city wall cursing Gilgamesh. Enkidu in a fit of rage tears off the hind quarters of the Bull of Heaven and flings the piece of bull corpse at Ishtar, yelling that he would take her down like the Bull of Heaven if he could.

Yeah. Enkidu didn’t survive that insult.

And all of the further exploits of Gilgamesh just aren’t as cool without Enkidu, even though there’s a giant serpent and this guy named Utnapishtim. So I guess Ishtar gets the last word after all.

Conclusion? Ishtar makes Carrie Underwood trashing your car look like child’s play.

41 Ways to respond to “Why are you still single?”

If you’re single, one of the most annoying things people might do is ask you why. Like they think there’s one thing keeping you from a life of dating bliss. Never fear, though. There are ways to answer this question.

You can always try this approach:awkward

Or if that’s just not your style, here are a few others.

  1. The Venn diagram of people who like me and people who I like is a picture of two circles that aren’t touching.
  2. I scare potential dates away with my awesomeness.
  3. I’m not single. I’m available.
  4. I don’t know. My internet pick up lines are great!
  5. If I knew the answer to that, then I wouldn’t be single.
  6. I always delete the emails that advertise local singles.
  7. I’m in too in love with Captain America (or other fictional crush) to be satisfied with real men.
  8. I have high standards.
  9. Interesting question. I never thought about it before.
  10. I haven’t had time to go through all the applications of people wanting to date me.
  11. Dating would ruin my career as a professional a third wheel.
  12. Why are you (insert random attribute)?
  13. Your guess is as good as mine!
  14. I don’t like to share my food.
  15. I like that Beyonce song too much.
  16. I’m so hot that potential dates assume I’m taken.
  17. So many people like me it’s hard to choose!
  18. I like not having to shave and eating Nutella straight from the jar.
  19. I’ve never met somebody who loves me half as much as my daddy does.
  20. I don’t want my arch-nemesis to be able to use a loved one against me.
  21. My last boyfriend/girlfriend turned out to be a robot.
  22. If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
  23. Nobody appreciates my theory on how aliens are using us as lab rats.
  24. Sorry, I don’t understand the question.
  25. I ran out of milkshake.
  26. Studies show that people who marry later in life are more likely to stay together.
  27. Why wouldn’t I be single?
  28. I’m allergic to attractive people.
  29. I’m too busy with my plot to take over the world.
  30. The post lost my mail order bride/groom
  31. I collect Furbies.
  32. I’m not with stupid anymore.
  33. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.
  34. The love of my life has amnesia and doesn’t remember me.
  35. Patience is a virtue
  36. All my dates go running when my dad brings out his gun.
  37. I’m not single. I have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.
  38. I want my cats to grow up in a stable environment.
  39. Chris Evans (or other celebrity crush) hasn’t responded to my emails yet.
  40. Because I don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
  41. I’m worth not settling.

Some of these responses are a little stupid. But sometimes a stupid question merits a stupid response. And here’s a video for good measure:

Go home internet, you’re drunk.

Sometimes the internet is just weird. Like lately, Yahoo’s home page has looked something like this.

Screen shot 2013-09-01 at 8.46.44 AM

Go home Yahoo!, you’re drunk.

So like if you’ve tried sending any mail to my Yahoo! account lately, I probably haven’t seen it.

Among other mysteries of the internet is how Netflix determines what movies it recommends me. Like it had me do this survey with questions like “Do you like foreign films?” and “Do you like comedies?” And based on those answers, it decided to try and combine as many things as I could possibly like into one film. So I’d get categories like, “Sentimental romantic foreign action comedies.” And apparently there are films in that category. I didn’t recognize or watch any of them, but hey. They exist.

Netflix also seems to be under the impression that I really like LEGO movies.

Go home Netflix, you're drunk.

Go home Netflix, you’re drunk.

And then of course there’s the whole thing with Facebook wanting to automatically tag everyone you know. Like it picks out the face and tells you who it is. Which I still think is fundamentally creepy. And then sometimes it doesn’t know, either because the pictures not clear or because the person is a random stranger and not one of your friends. Or because it’s not a person at all. Maybe it’s actually a wine glass*.

Screen shot 2013-04-21 at 3.56.50 PM

Go home Facebook. You are really are drunk.

 

*A wine glass for a mocktail, of course. Since I don’t drink alcohol.

How Burnt Toast Almost Ruined an Otherwise Perfectly Lovely Morning

Once upon a time in Edinburgh somebody burned their toast. That wouldn’t seem like a very exciting story, except that it had some interesting implications.

It’s a pretty well known fact that I don’t wake up well under the best of circumstances. I’m always disoriented and usually somewhat blind for the first half hour or so. But this morning was a new step even for me.

To begin with, I wasn’t in my normal bed. I was in Edinburgh. And I had pushed two beds together to share with three other girls. And we were up into the wee hours of the night having pillow talk and freaking out over ghost tales. But that was all fine because we were going to be able to sleep in.

And then some dingo brain burned their toast. Which set off the fire alarm. Which woke us all up.

That’s a lie. I was only kinda woken up by the alarm. I was woken up for real by my roommate who had just gotten out of the shower running through the hall screaming, “I’m naked!” Basically it was that nightmare where the fire alarm goes off and you’re in the shower and you have to run outside all exposed.

The girl next to me in bed (not to be confused with the one practically on top of me) happened to be having a birthday today. In my just-woken-up delirium I assumed the alarm was going off because we burnt the cake batter pancakes we were making her. So of course the first words out of my mouth in the midst of panic were, “Happy birthday, Nicole!” Which I yelled quite loudly so as to be heard over the alarm.

The mornings in Edinburgh tend to be sort of brisk. Especially if you are wet and semi naked. Or if you are still in your duck pajamas. Or if you didn’t have time to grab your shoes. I played human blanket for the birthday girl. And then the fire brigade came.

We had intended to go back to sleep for a bit. Naturally in the course of our escape we managed to set off a security alarm.

Yay mornings!

Bonnie and her bowl of cereal. Priorities.

Bonnie and her bowl of cereal. Priorities.

 

Tired Kyras Shouldn’t Do Laundry

Posted on

Sometimes I have bad ideas. Bad ideas like “I can start a load of laundry at midnight.” I was very tired when I made that decision. It somehow didn’t occur to me that I’d have to be down there at like 1:30/2:00 to get my laundry out of the dryer. And if I was tired when I put the laundry in the wash, I was super tired when I had to go pick it up.

I forgot to bring my laundry bag down. Unwilling to climb back up to the third floor I decided to improvise. So I took my pajama bottoms and tied the legs together. Then I stuffed all my other clothes inside.pj hamper

And yes I do have ducky pajamas. Jealous?

Mandatory Outrage toward Abercrombie and Fitch

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You’ve probably already heard about the ridiculous statement made by the Abercrombie and Fitch CEO. Everyone (and by everyone I mean Ellen Degeneres) is talking about it.

abercrombie

Here’s the quote from CEO Mike Jeffries:

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong (in our clothes), and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny.”

There are plenty of ways one could go about attacking this statement. But perhaps the biggest flaw with the entire Abercrombie mentality is the misconception that largeness is inherently unattractive and uncool.

Abercrombie and Fitch can’t be blamed as the only voice passing along this propaganda. Plenty of people have been spreading the message that skinny is the only beautiful there is. And perhaps the only thing worse than the fact that the people perpetuating the lies believe it, is the fact that the people they target believe it.

Regardless of what size you are, your body is a miracle. Your joints allow an impressive range of motion. Your immune system protects from literally countless assailants. Your heart beats roughly 35 million times a year, supplying blood to a brain that sorts through an onslaught of stimuli and reacts by directing your limbs to move. And that only scratches the surface of what your body is capable of. You’re a living, breathing miracle.

That said, I think it’s important to take care of your body. But most of the women who diet and hit the gym are not motivated by a desire to be healthy, but rather by a desire to be skinny. And if they fail to achieve that standard, they fall into the trap of thinking they’re ugly or worthless.

So here’s the real truth: you are beautiful. Gorgeous, in fact. Your body may not be perfect. I know mine isn’t. Love it anyway; it’s the only one you’ve got.

As Selena Gomez might put it, "I'm no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me."

As Selena Gomez might put it, “I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me.”